Five Stages of Aomine
by Mishaa
Summary: Aomine narrates how he copes and lives his life after Kuroko's death.


**Published**: September 23, 2012 on (carabarks) tumblr

**Disclaimer**: This is what I first wrote as the part three for BlackMaya's _Fear_ and jAyesque's _Possibilities_. This never went through proof-reading. My first first person point of view so Aomine _miiight_ be (really) out of character.

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Kuroko is dead and Aomine copes.

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**o1. **

Hey! Hey! Tetsu, remember that time back in middle school when we thought Akashi and Satsuki were driving us nuts? You and me, we were up on the roof trying to think up ways for them to ease up a little. And then that Kise found us there together and started whining so in the end we had to let him in the plan too? Being the snitch that he was, he damn ratted us out to his 'beloved' (blergh) Midorimacchi?

"It'll be a whole lot more fun with Midorimacchi around!" he said. As if 'Tarou ever has fun.

Oh oh, and this is the best part, do you remember? Atsushi suddenly came out of nowhere and scared the living shit out of us and Kise screamed like a girl. Hahaha! Man, that was hilarious.

Luckily Atsushi didn't tell on us, eh? He ended up joining us even. And then, during practice after school, we all waited until Akashi made us run around for 15 minutes before you gave the signal and we all dropped dead on the floor.

Hahahaha! Satsuki was worse than Kise, do you remember? She ran to the nearest person - that was you, right? - and started fussing like a mother, crying, "_No no! Someone call the_ ambulance!" Haha! Man, you must really be a good actor! She actually cried!

Of course, Akashi didn't get fooled and we got twice the practice after. Satsuki kicked me in the balls and she didn't speak to me for a week. How unfair was it that she spoke to the rest of you guys?

Remember how she tried that trick on us the month after? She wouldn't get up from the pool and tried to make us all think she was dead. Of course, you ended up giving her CPR even when I told you she was faking it. Bloody smug she was after too. Rubbed it in my face that her plan worked and she "stole your first kiss."

Anyway, the joke's on _her_ because you gave your first kiss to _me_ the year before during my birthday.

But huh. It _was_ kind of an effective trick. Maybe I should try that trick next time. Maybe you'd make out with me again?

...Wait. That got me thinking: are you just faking this entire thing so you could get a kiss from - the awesome - me? 'Cause I'd have given it if you had asked. Really. You didn't have to go through all this trouble.

And as much as I loathe to admit, Kagami and Kise would kiss you willingly too. Shintarou and Atsushi like you enough to do it if you asked and I think Akashi would pretty much enjoy it. Satsuki would jump at the chance. You really didn't have to go through all this, you know?

Where did you get this creepy doctor, anyway? Moreover, how'd you get him to agree to this stunt? He's really freaking me out, Tetsu. He's a really good actor. I almost believed him when he said you were... you were _gone_. Haha. Keyword is: _almost_. I knew from the start you were faking.

You've got your whole life ahead of you to be dead! We've got our whole lives ahead of us! We finally got in touch again, god damn it. Things were going to go back to the good ole days. Remember? You me andyeahokay, Satsuki too, against the world!

Gods, what the hell is up with this?! Haha! Can you believe it? Everyone believes that crack doctor! Even 'Tarou! What a bunch of losers, right? See, I told you. It's just really you and me against the world. Satsuki doesn't belong with us. I'm the only one you can't fool. We can leave her and Kagami behind and take on the world! When we graduate, we'll see the world together, just you and me, okay?

Shit, Tetsu. Stop with the joke already. It's making me uncomfortable. Everyone's looking at me like I'm crazy for laughing when they're the one crazy enough to believe that you'd... that you'd be... y'know. _Dead_.

You know I hate it when people treat me like an idiot. I'm in the same grade as the rest of you, damn it! I'm as smart as you guys - okay, so maybe not Shintarou smart, but he's not normal. (Who the hell remembers till the 100th place of pi or something.)

Really Tetsu. Quit with the joke already. It's not funny. They're starting to piss me off. I'm not crazy, okay? I know you're not... d-dead. You can't be.

You just _can't_.

You _promised_.

You promised not to leave me again, remember?

You promised.

* * *

**o2.**

Fuck you so much. Just, fuck you. God damn you, Tetsu. If you couldn't keep your promise to me, couldn't you have at least kept your promise with the red idiot?! Just... Just fuck you, okay? You were supposed to make him the best. He was supposed to beat the Generation of Miracles! He couldn't even beat me yet, and you just had to fucking go. Where was the point in that, really?

We were supposed to see the world, Tetsu! Why'd you have to and ruin that?! Gods! Do you have, like, some sort , promise keeping issue or something? Or do you have some neurotic disease that compels you to leave me?

Shit, I can't even play basketball anymore! The ball turns to your goddamn head! And everyone that passes the ball to me reminds me of you and it fucking hurts. It hurts, Tetsu.

Why'd you have to go?!

Satsuki's being an annoying shit again. And worse still because now Ryou's being like her too! Fussing over me like I'm a time bomb just waiting to explode. I'm not, okay?! I'm not like you! I'm not going to leave my friends behind.

Damn it. The enitre Touou team's taking turns babysitting me! And don't they even try to deny it! I can see them following me wherever I go!

And ha! The look on Satsuki's face the morning after I got into that whorehouse last time! Serves her right.

Oh, and don't even get me started on your impeccable timing. I mean, really? You just had to kick the bucket weeks before my birthday, didn't you?

Thanks for ruining the tradition, again, you ass hole. Two birthdays now. Two birthdays we didn't spend together. You've always spent my birthday with me. Ever since we met. Except last year (since you pulled your damn disappearing act and left me waiting for you - but hey, that's all in the past, isn't it? Besides, you made up for that missing day, didn't you?) and now this year, and this time, I know I'm not going to be able to collect your debt because there's fucking no one to pay it.

Well guess what? I didn't attend your funeral! Ha. Take that! Satsuki and the others, they visited your grave everyday during the first week but I haven't been there once. Not once. That's what you get for ruining my hopes and dreams again, asshole.

By the way, I threw every single thing you gave me. No use holding on to shit like that anymore.

Remember our first festival together where we bought lame ass matching caps? Burnt. Along with all our stupid year books and albums. (Good riddance too, it was taking too much space under my bed.)

And that lame cicada action figure (okay so maybe it wasn't that lame and I was a little sad to see it go) that you got me after our first match? (Where did you even get that?!) Yeah, I burned it too.

The creepy shells we got from our first trip to the beach? Threw it back.

The stupid lucky popsicle stick with the 'Your dreams will come true' characters written on it that you gave me and I pretended to throw away when I actually slipped it into my pockets and I know you saw me and I know you know that I know you saw me? I threw it in the garbage after breaking it in half. Doesn't matter now anyway. My dreams aren't going to come true.

And the rest of the stuff, too!

I'm glad you're gone. Now... Now I can... do stuff. Yeah. Now I can do stuff like... I CAN JUST DO STUFF, OKAY?

...

Fucking hell, Tetsu. Why'd you have to go?! Ryou just came barging into my room and do you know what he did?! He punched me. Told me I was being a dick and that I needed to accept that you were gone. What's his fucking problem, right?

Yeah. Big mistake. I should have never asked him that.

Did you know that Ryou... had a thing for me?

Did you know? 'Cause I think Satsuki knew. I think 'Tarou knows. Akashi obviously knows which would mean Atsushi knows too. Everyone fucking knows. Except me. What is up with that? Did I miss a memo or something?

I always thought he liked... well, you. Pissed me off, too. The way he kept touching and hugging you liked that.

That is, until punched me in the gut and in the face and then kissed me (out of the blue, right?!) and then he punched me again before calling me an idiot. Geez!

I told Satsuki about it and she slapped her forehead and told me like it was basic elementary stuff, "Where have you been, Dai-chan? Kise-kun's liked you since probably as long as you've liked Tetsu!"

But anyway, at least now I know why 'Tarou's always hated me.

Do you see what a big mess you've caused? If you hadn't died, Ryou wouldn't have ever told me and I would have remained blissfully oblivious to his feelings and he'd even get over me sooner or later and I. Would. Have. Never. Known.

It's all weird with him now. I don't have you to talk to anymore, and now I don't even have Ryou! I've still got Satsuki and Sakurai sort of reminds me of Ryou (sort of) but it's not the same! I can't talk guy stuff with Satsuki and Sakurai... Oh god no. I won't even consider that. Shintarou will never let me live it down if I become friends with him!

Gah! This is all your fault, Tetsu! Take goddamn responsibility!

* * *

**o3.**

Merry Christmas.

Hey, Tetsu. How you doing there? Uhh yeah. So I visited your grave for the first time today... Satsuki made me do it. She said I had problems. Pfft.

So yeah. How have things been going out for you? You settled up there yet? Anyone bugging you? Just tell me about it, okay? I'll kick their butts for you. You know I will. Hopefully you still haven't forgotten that incident when one of the loser third string players in my team bad mouthed you and I punched the living daylights out of him. Almost got me suspended too. Almost. Perks of being a Miracle.

You'd get to see some of these perks too, y'know. If you stuck around a little bit longer.

Oh right. Yeah. Satsuki brought me here to tell you... To tell you that I forgive you for leaving. The first time, I mean. I'm still pissed at you for kicking the bucket, but I'm not even going to touch that subject anymore, okay? I'd appreciate it if you didn't either.

I understand that you had to leave. Really. I do. I was turning out to be a really big dick. ("Fuck, Satsuki! Don't kick a man when he's on a grave!" "Don't make stupid jokes and don't laugh at your own stupid jokes, Dai-chan. It's beneath you.) I was insufferable and you thought you had to leave to change me. Stupid of you. We could have just talked it over, you know. I'd have done anything you asked. You know I would've.

Gods, shit, to cut things short, I fucking miss you, Tetsu. I've missed you before, when you left and all, but it's different now because I can't even prank call you just to hear your voice and I can't even go watch any of your games just to catch a glimpse of you because no matter how hard I wish it, you're not there.

I think the reason Satsuki brought me here in the first place is because I went over to Akashi and told him I'd be his slave for life if he could bring you back. What? The guy's a demon! Don't laugh at me! You're the one who hypothesized this in the first place!

It was only a joke, anyway. I can't believe they thought I was serious. I knew Akashi couldn't bring you back. Of course I knew that. Oha Asa probably could, though.

Oh you're probably slapping your forehead right now, aren't you? Don't be like that! Look at Shintarou! The guy's so lame, but he's so popular with the girls now! He even started going out with Takao! Now that's a miracle. If Shintarou can get into a relationship and manage to stay in it for more than a month, then anything is possible.

I passed by a kid on my way here and he asked me to smile and forget my worries because a Mr. Santa was going to grant my wish. It's naive, but you've always called me a kid, so you know what I did I got a pen and paper and wrote down my wish and paid the kid 1000 yen to mail that to Santa or pass the message if he ever met the guy.

I think I made that kid's day. And I did a good deed! On Christmas! Awesome, right?

Now where's my reward? I want my wish to come true.

I want you.

I want you to come back to me. I'd do anything to get you back. I started attending classes, I started going to practice - hell, I'm fucking loving basketball again! Isn't that what you wanted?

Shit Tetsu. I even made up with Ryou already! We're friends now! Gods, what does it take for a guy to get back his best friend?! I'll do it! I'll do anything. Anything. _Anything_.

_Just come home, Tetsu._

* * *

**o4.**

Hey. What's up, Tetsu? Happy Valentines day. I know, you're probably wondering why I'm here when it's a school day.

To be honest, Tetsu, I'm here to tell you that I get it. You're dead now. Nothing I can do is going to bring you back. You're gone. And I can't do anything about that.

Not my good grades, not my basketball, nothing. Nothing will bring you back.

I just sort of thought you should know that. I probably freaked you out, huh? I must have been crazy consulting Shintarou and Oha Asa! Man, thanks to the world for giving me friends that won't mention my crazy.

So yeah. Satsuki's let up on the crazy thing, but now she's just worse than ever. She keeps bugging me to go to boring classes. What do I need those for, anyway? I know all that I need to know already: that life is unfair and everyone's just going to have to deal with that.

Besides, what doe she care as long as I'm present for practice? Speaking of practice, why do I even need to go there anyway? No one's going to beat me. Kagami might be a good opponent that can last long, and Ryou too, but I'd still win in the end. And what does it matter if I lose, anyway?

Everyone loses in the end. We all lose the people we love and we all lose ourselves one day. Nothing we can do to stop that.

Might as well do what you want now, right? You only live once, after all. So why waste it all on school and practice and shit?

Just stay at home and do what you want!

Me and Ryou's got a good arrangement on that one. We've decided to go for a friends with benefits agreement. I get to sleep with him, but don't need to deal with the emotional crap! Gods why are people so stupid? Ha! This is a great arrangement. I don't know why people don't do this more often.

Satsuki doesn't understand. I shouldn't have told her about it.

She doesn't think I should be playing with Ryou's feelings like that. What goddamn feelings? He got over me. He swore. Geez! And if she had to get mad at someone, she could have yelled at Ryou! He's the one who suggested it anyway.

Speaking of Satsuki... Can you believe she's crushing on our coach?! They're probably fucking! And she's got the nerve to berate me! She's the one shagging the older guy! At least I've known Ryou for years.

What I don't get is why she wasn't blowing her head off when we were together. She's fine if I sleep with you but not with Ryou? What's up with that?

She knows I love you and she's fine if I sleep with you, but it's not fine if I do it with Ryou - who she thinks still likes me? Women logic. Who gets it?!

Ahh geez. I see Satsuki coming. I guess I've started coming here too often already. Why does she look so angry - oh. Oh. There was a match today? I thought it was a regular school day.

Ahh who cares about matches. We're going to win anyway. As long as it's not against a General or a Miracle, we can win. They don't need me. It's too boring too. I just want to sit here and enjoy the breeze. Is that too much to ask? I think it's a simple request, really. Not too extravagant and it's not that hard to grant.

Sigh. Why do people bother so much?

...

Hey again, Tetsu. Satsuki and her stupid boyfriend (the Touou coach, I told you about it, remember?) banded together and told my mom I was "depressed".

They took me to see a doctor. And guess who they went to? Yep. They took me to see Shintarou's parents. They're surgeons for Pete's sake!

So you know what they think will remedy me? They're actually banning me from visiting your grave. Can. You. Believe. That.

They threw a fit last time because I wouldn't see your grave and now they're kicking me out of it?! Something is seriously wrong with them. Maybe they should be the one being checked in the head for signs of crazy.

Anyway, if I don't come by much anymore, you know who to blame.

Hey, Tetsu. Before I leave, I just want to remind you that I still miss you, okay? I still miss you.

* * *

**o5.**

Hey, Tetsu. How's it been? I graduated High School yesterday. Cool, eh? I'm a college guy now. You probably guessed I got a basketball scholarship. I'm going to be attending the same university as Kagami and Sakurai. Sakurai's a pretty good player, I know that, but still, it shocked me too.

Satsuki told me a few months ago that she wouldn't be going to my Uni. Sad, huh? We've been together for so long and it's so weird imagining school life without her. Who's going to remind me to do my homework or to go to class, right? Well, that's probably Sakurai's job now.

Haha! Kidding. Kidding. I'm grown up now, you know! I can take care of myself. No one has to worry about me anymore. Tetsu, I grew up. I wonder if souls grow old too. Did you grow, Tetsu, or are you still the same midget that I love?

I hope you didn't grow. It's... hard. Growing up, I mean. You have to make all these responsible choices that pretty much sucks, and there's just less fun in the world. Adult decisions are hard too.

A few months ago, I ended this thing with Ryou. I've been selfish and stupid, and like I said, it's time to grow up. And that means I have to stop turning a blind eye to Ryou's feelings. It was fun while it lasted, but I can't keep leading him on like that. I can't love him. At some point, I might have thought I loved him, but I was just deluding myself. Convincing myself it was okay to continue what we were doing. He deserves better than that. Because there will be someone out there that will love him like... Like I loved you.

He... He didn't take it well. He's not attending my university though, so at least I don't have to see him everyday. Satsuki tells me I made the right choice, but it doesn't make it any less painful. She says he's going to warm up to me again, and I don't doubt that because he said so himself. It's just going to be really lonely not having you, Satsuki, and Ryou with me.

Gods, I've been a dependent little shit, haven't I? Well not anymore, okay? From now on, you'll see a grown up Aomine Daiki. I promise you that, Tetsu. I'll live my life like we planned out. I'll live and experience the things you can't for you. I can live for the both of us, and I took the first step in doing that: growing up.

The other step would be moving on. I'm also here to say goodbye, Tetsu. I can't visit your grave as much anymore, because I'll be far away. And, I can't stay hung up on you, Tetsu. I need to move on. To let you go, so I won't have to hurt anyone like I hurt Ryou anymore.

But that doesn't mean I'm replacing you and forgetting you. I'll keep thinking of you, Tetsu. Even dead, you're still superglued to my heart. And there's no way anyone could replace you. You're far to unique for that.

I'm just going to live my life, and if I fall in love, then I won't let memories of you ruin it. If I never do, well then, you're just going to have to take a whole lot of responsibility when I find you again, and you know I will. I'm quite sure that you're the person on the other end of my red string of fate.

**fin.**

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**A/N**: How did I do, yeah? :) Didn't rape his character too much, I hope? If there's good response, I'll be posting it up on AO3 too. This is _sorta_ how _Transparency _will go; but not _exactly_. There will be a few deviations here and there.


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